*Misunderstood Individual*

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Crossroads?

Now again stuck at a dilemma I've faced only just 3 years ago. Where do I want to go after this? Do I wish to continue with my course of chemical engineering? Or do I pursue my intended path of business Studies?

The other day I sought advice, this was the best advice I heard.

"Now at the cross roads, think hard about what road you wish to follow. It maybe good for now but not great in five years time. No matter what the choice, once I've chosen, I must not look back or compare against my other choices"

How true it is. Once down the path, one should one should do the best in the intended field."Here's my dilemma. The problem I'm facing isn't a crossroad, but a damn airport with all the labels ripped out. Imagine this, different planes offering you a promise, but you wouldn't know its final destination.

With many empty lures and promises, I have to make a choice. I'm lost in a intimidating world of promises but unsure which is the plane I'll take not to worry. I have still time to explore and decide.

Let's just take things one step at a time. I'll keep this place updated as much as I can.

To end it off: Weird thought of mine of the moment. (I have good taste, but not made the best choices.)

Logged in at 2:14 PM

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Retrospective Thinking Part 2

Following up from my previous post, i guess this could be another case of just simply thinking too much, yet it has deep implcations to me.

Regrets; The manifistation of all undone and unborn child of things that could be.

All of us have at one point or another felt that we could have done something better, said something or have done something. Yet, in we didn't. It sometimes plays in our mind, sometimes the regret manifest itself in another form. In any form, i'm not surprised one would have wished it off. But what's done is done. We'll just have to pick ourselves off the floor and try again. But not everything has a second chance. The only choice is to take our chances as they come.

Would that be maturity, a case of once bitten twice shy or just pure foolishness?

Choices, the point of contention for the past feel weeks of boreddom in CPTC.

We all make choices, be it mudane or life changing. I strongly believe in getting what i really want. No matter how it takes, how many mistakes i'll make on the way. I believe i'll try my best to achieve it.

Sometimes i can be the most misearble and depressed person in the world but after a while i try to dispell the negative thought because i choose to. If i wanted to find fault with the world it woud have been too easy to point fingers. I've shouldered the burden of trying to bblend in for so long, i'll just shoulder on.

To Someone: I'm still waiting.....

Logged in at 8:18 PM

Retrospective Thinking Part 1

I'm currently listening to the song "Happy Birthday" by Flipsyde. Somehow, while i've luckily not undergone the same experince as the singer, i guess what he's speaking about does have more meaning.

Happy Birthday...so make a wish

Verse 1:
Please accept my apologies, wonder what would have been
Would you've been a little angel or an angel of sin?
Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.
Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes?
I payed for the murder before they determined the sex
Choosing our life over your life meant your death
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes
Sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you faught for your life?
Would you have been a little genius in love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
Would you have been a little rapper like your papa da Piper?
Would you have made me quit smokin' by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skintone and shape of your nose?
And the way you would have laughed and talked fast or slow?
Think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, love you whoever you woulda been
Happy birthday...


Chorus:
All I thought was a dream (make a wish)
Was as real as it seemed (happy birthday)
All I thought was a dream (make a wish)
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake!


Verse 2:
I've got a millon excuses to why you died
Bet the people got their own reasons for homicide
Who's to say it woulda worked, and who's to say it wouldn't have?
I was young and strugglin' but old enough to be your dad
The fear of being a father has never disappeared
Pondering frequently while I'm zippin' on my beer
My vision of a family was artificial and fake
So when it came time to create I made a mistake
Now you've got a little brother maybe he's really you?
Maybe you really forgave us knowin' we was confused?
Maybe everytime that he smiles
-it's you proudly knowin' that your father's doin' the right thing now?
I never tell a woman what to do with her body
But if she don't love children then we can't party
Think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, love you whoever you woulda been
Happy birthday...


Chorus:
All I thought was a dream (make a wish)
Was as real as it seemed (happy birthday)
All I thought was a dream (yeah, make a wish)
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake!


And from the heavens to the womb to the heavens again
From the endin' to the endin', never got to begin
Maybe one day we could meet face to face?
In a place without time and space
Happy birthday...

From the heavens to the womb to the heavens again
From the endin' to the endin', never got to begin
Maybe one day we could meet face to face?
In a place without time and space
Happy birthday...


Chorus:
All I thought was a dream (make a wish)
Was as real as it seemed (happy birthday)
All I thought was a dream (make a wish)
Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake...!

Logged in at 7:57 PM

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Misguided thinking?

I just realized why the world is full of wars and so complex. We all tend to over react and think too much. Take a look at the Iraq war, based on exaggerated claims about weapons of mass destruction and went to war. What is the result? No weapons and full of body bags home plus a bill that could have lifted this world out of poverty.

I wonder why we can't all just take things for face value. Must there always be an ulterior motive, a reason for doing things? Sometimes there's just no reason or logic for an action.

Hell, most girls fall in love not because of logic rite?

Today I realized this fact in the most profound way. We where supposed to do some lame distillation cross word puzzle. Most of the questions where easy to guess. They were things like condenser, foaming and reflux.

It was the very last question that stumped me.

The hint was "this is determined by the amount of material going through the column."

It was a 8 word and it was already filled like this "_ _ a _ e _ e _".

I racked my head high and low just to fill in the missing letters.

At the end of the discussion, it really hit me on the head. Why didn't I think on much simpler terms.

To read the answer highlight the following line
The answer is "D I A M E T E R"

If such simple things that one should have learnt and understood, yet over looked as something more complex, what worse havoc can something we don't really know and we try to second guess what the person is really thinking off.

Can we all just take things for face value?

Logged in at 5:53 PM

Monday, January 09, 2006

Heh

Thank god it's a holiday tomorrow. Well things are going good for me.

Cptc is annoying the hell out of me.
I am annoyed at people as usual.
I seem to have annoyed someone especially a lot.
The rain ain't going to stop.

Sure, things are looking GREAT for me now.

Heh. From today onwards, i think i'll digress my thoughts online. For me, this blog used to be for me to moan my feelings. I have to confess something. What i blog online may not really be the feelings i feel all the time. It's just a snapshot of the moment. Even the most dormant volcano has to errupt 1 day. I'm just venting my "weakness" i hope.

I guess this blog should be called "the misunderstood individual with 5 minute feelings"

Okay thats all for now. I'll look forward to the time the sandman comes calling for my weary body.

*Pondering Thot of the moment* Why is that the things i really care about are the things that annoy me the most? And the things i have no care for i stay that way?

Think Think Think.....

Logged in at 6:58 PM

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Nightmare Already?

Not even 3 hours have passed since i last postted my new years resolutions and seeing her display pic online.

My resolve has not crumbled. Yet.

That night, yesterday night only, i had a nightmare. It was actually significant and disturbing this time. Most of the time when i dream i dont even know what really is happening. Over the years i've learnt to ignore what was happening.

Yet a disturbing trend has been on the rise. The last two and a half years i've been having nightmares of the feeling of losing her forever. I never seem to understand what is happening but i alway have the hopeless feeling of losing her.

For the last few months, only during my weak moments that my thoughts wander towards her. How is she, what is she feeling. Conciously i've stopped really thinking about her. I can't say the same for my heart and soul.

Logged in at 9:07 PM

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

New Year, New Hope

Firstly, let me wish all my dear readers a happy new year. What a year 2005 has been, yet another phase of our lives have ended and change is in the air again. No long after the seat is warm, we have to vacate the place again. In a few weeks time, I’m going to finish schooling, take a break for I hope 2 months, and serve the nation for the next two years. What life has in store for me? I guess only time has an answer.

Reflecting on the past year, I guess many things have happened, some happier, but most never turned out the way I wished it would be. Again, I’m not exactly on speaking terms with the person who means the most to me. I just suffer in silence. I believe the worse thing is to utter words under circumstances which less than ideal.

“Many I love you uttered daily no matter how heartfelt would just be a fleeting moment. Words uttered out of frustration, anger or sadness would scar the heart and nothing can erase or bury the pain.”

So many worlds left unsaid, so much raw emotions left locked in box. Still only 1 person that I really care for. But alas, my stubbornness, my failings to understand her and I guess lack of really showing her how much I care that I lost her.

I guess she’s happy? Only she knows.

Over the past year, I’ve been reading many books, most notably the 3 that left the most profound impact on me was the 2 books.

Tuesdays with Morrie
5 people you will meet in heaven

I guess the book written by the Dilai lama was enlightening, but the two books made me really made me self reflect. It made me wonder who I really am, what I stand for and what do I really want.

Many weeks of reckless abandon , i just thrashed around not know what was the question nor what would be my answer. Even now I don’t know who I really am. The image on the mirror still feels foreign. I guess I’m still not too sure but I guess on reflection the New Year’s resolutions I’m taking would address many issues that I have with myself.

Resolutions

1. To stop being so angry with myself

In despair, I never blamed anyone for all my troubles. I have always hated myself for not taking action, not showing enough concern, being so silly. I really need to find inner peace.

2. To be more forthcoming about my feelings

I feel too impersonal, too unfeeling. I want to find who I really am, what I stand for, what I really feel about things. I guess this blog is going to be updated more constantly I guess.

3. To be less stubborn

I really need to work on this the most

That’s for all now. More to come in the days to come.

Logged in at 6:47 PM